YMonday, January 30, 2006
it scares me wen i see u change..into someone i disdained
scares me wen im put in second place again.
scares me wen i see u drifting away..lost in the rain
u noe the feelin that u get wen u think that u're a burden to the one person who means the world to you..? like she dun wana be wit you cuz she feel like ur just gona cause her problems..mebe a form of restriction..
and all of the favours tat she does fer you are just due to her obligations to u.
claimed to be her "life" or something..her so-called "reason" for living..
now, i duno..if it's all true..or are they just merely words. that's been constantly mouthed, spitting saliva everywhere..
none of which comes from the heart..
i wonder..
do u fathom the meaning of "actions speaks louder than WORDS"..?
u know..it really just doesnt matter to me anymore..
all i have is myself..
and that's all it is.
i can only trust me.
i've been bounded by promises..beautiful words of hope..and faith.
all of which means nothing. i dun care about whether or not ur around..
or if i am ur priority or if u even give a damn.
i dun give a shit anymore.
i am sorry tho that i've troubled u in so many ways..i apologize in u having to constantly put up wit them cuz of me.
cuz tats just me aint it..?
trouble.menace.nuisance.pest.
ur gona read tis..and apologize again..try to xplain ur position again.
do the same ol shit again. say u realised again.
y not just record all that and put it on replay..the next time u fucked up.
bollocks.i dun care.i hate my damnest in everything.
i hate my benovelence.
i HATE the fact that i cant literally HATE. i despise the fact that i'd be forgotten and hurt time and time again.
i can't handle the fact that i dun have anyone to talk to wen im crying in the night in solitude. i just cant. i am crying..and there's no one to open my mouth to.no one.goodness..
i dun wana wish or hope cuz it takes me nowhere. cuz it'll never happen.
cuz it'll just bring in more pain. i dun believe in miracles..cuz it doesnt exist.
that's why it's called a freakin miracle.dammit.
how could you be my one and only when im not yours.?
im sick of crying cuz u do this again.
im sick of seein u morph into someone familiar..
im sick of u putting me in third place
im sick of you pretending like u noe me.
u don't know me.
u just dont really know me.u cant read me like a book.
tho i may be predictable, u'll never know wats running thru my mind.
never.
no one ever will.
altho it hurts to see you disappear..
i'ma accept it..and be on my own..
from now on
it just me and this demented world.
_callous_ was here with you at
YSaturday, January 28, 2006
No
more
tears
to shed
im lonely and i'd have to deal with it.
_callous_ was here with you at
im empty hollow and lost again.
its nothing new-i noe.
im sick of feeling tis way over and over again
im drenched and fatigue is catching up on me
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
oh Lord..help me please..i need you
after all tat i've been thinking and the soul searching tat i've made,
perhaps i should consider being numb..
to the point that i dun care abt wat people think of me.
i have been constantly bummed out by wat people think
that not impressing them or failing just keep hurting.
man! i dun wana hurt anymore.
im just fragile..get it?!
admittedly sensitive to my surrounding..
i care for you..no matter hw short a period of time i knew u
dun judge me with just a conversation
dun pick on me.underestimate me.
WITHOUT giving me the chance.dun.
u dissapoint me.
i met this person who seemingly appeared like a dream come true..
all nice..humble..and all..
as we spoke..i got intrigued..
only to find out that ur just like everyone else.
tsk.
once again-bollocks!
i duno how my heart and mind works..
it just does tis "rush" thing when i come across someone like u..
and this is madness. how am i to stop it?
i dunoo..
BUT i noe that i can avoid it..
so i avoid having all tis feelins.
i avoid getting close to ppl like you.
i refrain myself from my weakness.
someone told me that i'm easy to please..
perhaps i am..
only by those with artisitic influences..
im an artsy person..that's just me.
i need someone as artsy to understand me..
sme1 who have the same passion for my love to understand me..
my life is surrounded with music..cuz it's wat i grew up with..
i may not be able to play any instruments..
but i do know how to appreciate good music..
i love to write and i can just continue writing things that u cant figure out.
this is me.
i give up giving a shit about you.
in the end..im still gona be on my own..
so it really doesnt matter.
does it?
sometimes not caring is just the best way to get u by..
correct me if im wrong.
_callous_ was here with you at
YFriday, January 27, 2006
ONE thing i've learnt that u can do
if ur hurt, lost, having cramps, heartbroken or lonely..
watch A Walk to Remember
[regardless of the number of times you've watched it]
followed by a string of other heart warming movies like that..
for instance, The Perfect Man or Serendipity..
it'll take you through a space of time..
as if ur in ur utopia..
it'll make u forget all those pain all those hurt that's goin on in you.
and you'll learn that the movies will somehow make u feel better
one way or the other.. (:
espesh A Walk to Remember..it's like the IT love story of our time..HAHA
i watched em with an aching spine, monthly cramps and a lost soul..
i regained my composure and danced away right after the movie marathon..
~i'm dancing in the moonlight....~
whee~~
TRY IT! (;
i love love
_callous_ was here with you at
YThursday, January 26, 2006
break me down and define me..
breach me of our friendship and let me see..
how we are really never meant to be.
this is all of hate and repression.
i tried and tried to make this work..but u are all the same
i tried and tried to be ur lucky girl..but u left me maimed
i tried and tried to be there to care..but i was lamed
despite my damndest, i am left to be blamed.
to give my hope and re-enact dreams of you..
never considering that it might not come true..
continuously believing that i've finally "found" you.
you are all the same..never different nor special
u break me like everyone else in this demented world
perhaps i could be tis young menace of a girl
not cut out to be your gem or your bloody pearl
shut ur gap if u wana tell me that u bloody cared
damn those shyts for the songs u shared
i was contradicted by ur character that i embraced
i hate you for constantly making me ponder and prognosticate
i loathe each and every one of you for wanting to be perfect
i loathe you for not giving a damn as i'm breakin my back
i loathe you for makin me feel tis whacked
but i can't loathe u..cuz it's all my act
hoped for too much and hurt myself again
the venom of the snake bit me in vain
i'm already in emotional vexatious pain
i knew i should've never fall again.
-- i wrote tis for those who feel BOLLOCKS UP by those heartless apes out there
Good Luck to you..Lord bless..
_callous_ was here with you at
YMonday, January 23, 2006
loneliness is not necessarily by choice..u can be accompanied with what u already have..
rite? and ultimately, ur not alone..hmm...
im uncertain of my own statement..but somehow, i think its possible.
can't it be possible? it can.i noe it can.(wink)
so im accompanied with beautiful sisters..lovely brother and sister-in-law..adorable nephews and niece and challenging yet grateful parents..and not forgetting my well-worth buddies..
sooo..im nnot really lonely..i think.haha.
(im trying to psycho myself here)...
with this, i believe that one need to be on their own literally to really know how it feels like to be lonely..hmm...
is being lonely really all that? (i'm questioning myself now..heh.)
HONESTLY, i think being lonely is not only about being physically on your own..or not having anyone to love-love is just too soonn to declare.
so to me, being lonely is more than that. and in my case, it's when u dun have the someone to really share your ups and downs with..not as a family member..or solely as a fren.. it's as someone who willingly cares for u..u noe wat i mean?
not like a fren..or a relative..just as someone special..doing all those big and little things to tell you that he cares..to show you how much u mean to him..that sort.
that someone i have yet to come across..maybe soonn..i duno..(smiling)
i haven't been day-dreaming or imagining much..BUT lately, i think i've been doin too much of it..haha..
and it's not good to day dream..
believe me..cause it gives you hope in sth that's totally uncertain..to see something that u've always wanted..making you more certain that it's what ur sure of, that it's wat u want.
then u hope and u hope..and u fly really high..and then, when the outcome is not to ur desire,
u fall..u fall realy hard that it takes a long time to heal..-the result of flying too high.
i dun wana be in that place...where i would fall..
but i wun stop dreaming..i want to believe that he'll come..one day..
that he might just pop out of nowhere and serenade me..
the time will come..one fine day.. :)
hehe..for now..i think i'll be patient.. -wink2-
_callous_ was here with you at
YThursday, January 19, 2006
broken into pieces of shattered dreams..you refuse to try again. you gave up.
don't give up on hope of loving and living. don't stop believing..don't run away. don't.
i keep telling myself this. it's like a constant reminder tat i give to myself to make me stronger. like a string of words to hypnotize me of what could be. i am really uncertain of what the future holds and i can never be certain of the future. BUT it is not the future that i am afraid of. it's my fear of not having anyone to love is what fears me most.
yesterday, i realised that i have to start being independent and learn to not be afraid of loneliness.that it don't necessarily mean emptiness or bleak. i realised that i am not always a priority in my loved ones' life. that i can always be substituted by someone else. that i perhaps have to look for other people who will wana spend time wit me when they know that i am alone.
but i dun want to make new friends..i dun wana tell another group of ppl my dark past. i dun wana have to repeat something that i am not at all proud of. I just don't want. I refuse. But i dun wana be alone either. I dun wana watch them go to someone else and leave me standing there alone either..ugh. i can't have everything.i just can't.
i am gona learn to try to accept being alone and think of my purpose in living.
sometimes, we just duno what we have till it's gone. we take advantage of wat's there and abuse the privilege. we are just human..filled with greed of wanting more than wat we already have. that's just us. we tend to forget our roots and what we are here for. we tend to lose ourselves and forget about the things that matters. we just forget. sometimes intentional, sometimes not.hmm..humans.
in this moment..love is sacred. dun take advantage of your lover's love, mother's love, sister's love, brother's love, friend's love and most importantly, God's Love.
coz if you lose it..it'll be gone. and the flame will just die..there won't even be a spark to start the fire.so dun take advantage of the flame by trying to sprinkle water to it.don't.
so today..tell your mum,dad,sister,brother,friends,lover how much they mean to you and that you love them. pray to the Lord and thank him for loving you.
Coz u never noe if tomorrow will ever come. You never know.
_callous_ was here with you at
YTuesday, January 17, 2006
I am not preaching for anything more than for the happiness of my loved ones. Cuz that is all that matters to me. A part from my hopes for success, I want them to be independent and have a goal in life. I want them to try and try till their brain grow and grow out of space and time..i want them to be willing to work hard to achieve that goal of theirs and feel the satisfaction at every end of it. I want to hear them bragg and feel proud of their achievements and tell them to stop whenever it's too much.. hehe
I dun wan any of you to suffer all your life..i want you to make your parents happy, but ultimately, what I want most is for you to be happy. It is really ok if you suffer now..or if u dun get to enjoy much now..the time will come..you noe it will. So just be patient and do wat u must. Just do what you must. STOP playing and start thinking abt your future. U have many examples ahead of you to learn from..do you wana end up like them? Not having a purpose in life..do you? Or do you wana be earning a 5-digit salary doin what u love. Don't you want that? Imagine all the securities in life that u’ll have..it is not only financial..it is emotional security as well..u wun hafta worry about not havin enuf cuz u know you have enough.
I'll help you reach that goal..we'll make it together..i know we can. And we will.
However, if you happen to manage to reach that goal..and achieve all the successes in life.
Don't forget..
Please just don't lose yourself in the wealth..please just don't forget the Lord.
I am proud to be born in this family with this life. I may not be lucky by the look of it. And you ppl might be telling yourselves
-"damn I'm lucky my family's not tis complicated"
you noe wat..im actually lucky..on the underside of it..i'm lucky. Cuz it makes me stronger, it makes me bolder and it gives the level of maturity of a woman. A woman who went through it all and am willing to share with others her sorrows and bad encounters. A woman who's able to say, "I've been there".
I am not fully matured tho..cuz that'll just make me olddd…and I dun wana be that so sooonnn…besides, I still have more things to learn from. I'm lucky in the sense that I'm experiencing all this now, with the presence of my mum, my sisters and my brothers..i am able to learn this wit their guidance..while they are still around and free from any other deeper commitments in family and life. I'm lucky in the sense that I am able to see the mistakes of my family that I can learn from them. I am lucky in the sense that I am brought up in moderation without really experiencing the high end of life so I can really fathom the meaning of hardship and modesty. See, I am also lucky..alike you..who have perfect families.
Those with families like mine..dun fret..cuz you're lucky to be brought to tis world without having to worry about being arrogant and about losing yourself in the bed of rice given to you. You're not unlucky..you're just lucky in a different way..so dun fret.
you're not alone and there's always a beautiful side of everything ugly.
may the Lord bless you.
_callous_ was here with you at
YSunday, January 15, 2006
HUMANS are just too hard to crack sometimes
there are soo many kinds that listing every type will not be off much use
humans naturally have expectations and limitations.
only that it varies based on tolerance and exposure.
the expectations of someone can also be of hurt to oneself as it may be too high
Naturally, we wun wana take that expectation down a notch.
knowing that we can achieve it one day.
ONE DAY.
when?
not sure.heh
all that's left to be said and questioned is-
are these people arrogant? over-confident? patient? optimistic? or just dumb?
not dumb i hope.
i spent the day with my sister today and shared the juices of our lives.
as moved as i am by her determination to make things right, i somehow feel tat she's still missing something somewer..perhaps it could be the emptiness that's yearning to be filled..
but please, dun pour her a glass of water.
fill her a cup of fresh, purified water from the mountains.
she's special..she deserves something more than the water that you drink everyday.
more than the time taken for you to collect the water and pour..
more than your rambling and your exhaustion.
she's special...kak sha-u're special and i love you
the breakups and hurt that's happening around me just makes me think..
what could be the ways to avoid such complication and hurt?
could it be patience and time?
im really not sure..
cuz there are just too many hurt and disatisfied human beings everywhere.
too much.
half of which choose to keep it within themselves
while some of the rest put him/herself in third place while explaining the situation.
why this? what happened to love and trust?is it not already there?
Please..
dun be a fool for going into depression and self-mutilation.
dun be an ass by keeping it to yourself wen asked.
dun be reluctant..cuz u will feell better..trust me-u'll feel better.
when things dun happen the way they want it to be you curl up in remorse and shut yourself off from the world that's revolving in silence.you choose to hurt alone cuz u dun wana trouble others not knowing how much lesser damage u'd cause if u had done otherwise.
why??? why suffer in silence??till now, im still not sure why.
caught in such a state having reacted the same way with the mutilation and adrenaline that derives from it..i long to be heard..and no one hears me..no one really heard me.
so i spoke to myself.
and then i found a friend..
and the friend listened and told me to pray.he just told me to pray..
so do that and do it intently with your hope and purpose in mind..start serving Him the way you should..the way you really should.don't worry..it's easy. it's the society that's making it difficult.trust me.
whichever path u are at now..just stop and ask yourself-
Am i doing th right thing? What if i were to die tomorrow??
if your answer is negative to the former..stop what you are doing now.
for u can always have the possibilities of dying anytime.
seek for forgiveness from the Lord and start over. do it and i promise you the serenity and sense of belonging that comes with it.
there was once when i didnt believe-it brought me happiness but more physical and mental hurt than i could ever imagine.
now, it still brought me happiness but it comes with the patience that i have had never imagined i could acquire within me to handle those hurt.there wasnt any physical hurt.only mentally arduous.hehe
u might not be as lucky as i am to have met such a friend..
but u could be lucky by reading tis..
an omen to you..to stop hurting yourself and/or attempting to end ur life.
-u'll just end up handicapped.
everyone has his place and time..evryone has his ways of handling hurt..
but everyone have the same desire to die as exodus to ur predicament.
dun be a coward..face it.
he helped me face it..and im glad..
i can never be filled wit more exhilaration than having him around
added to my list of the most important ppl in my life..
- Ellyas Rezzal :) haha
_callous_ was here with you at
YWednesday, January 11, 2006
bring me the beauty of ur words of wisdom and i'll carve it within me..
charm me with your elegance, sincerity, honesty, modesty and genuinity.
no pun is intended in this phrase, just the you whom i've longed to see...
everyone seek to find that one person who loves them
so that they can love and be loved
they long for them that the longing turns to be an obsession and fear..
obsessed in lookin for that someone and fear in bein too vulnerable.
i speak tis of myself and am a representative to anyone who wish to be represented
honestly, love is a delusion of eternal bliss and dependence.
i realise that the word "love" isnt "love" without passion and the willingness to accept
it isn't love if you just merely base it on feelings..
neither is it love if you solely base it on physical affection.
it has been said that love is like a Butterfly,
"it eludes you if you keep lookin for it, but it comes to you when u least expect it"
as ironic the analogy could be to similarize love with a butterfly,
i agree to it.
Love needs alot of hardwork and patience to last
it needs alot of care, and understanding with the utmost sensitivity.
Love itself is a dangerous aspect of life.
as it may exacerbate one's heart that was already broken.
you found it, you get to it and if you feel it..you go for it.
its not only about feelings..its about mutual respect
and understanding of one's heart with the other..
love can't exist wen it's prepossessed
neither can it exist out of doubts and negligence
so my darling sister, Hidayah..be patient..he'll come one day ;)
" Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides.
And when it subsides you have to make a decision.
You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined
together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.
Because this is what love is.
Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement,
it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion.
That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away,
and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.
Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground,
and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
-- Captain Corelli's Mandolin
hehe ;P
_callous_ was here with you at
YMonday, January 09, 2006
The cool breeze won't stop brushing past me..
Oooh..i love this weather..the Greatness of He ;)
[the incessant rain is however strange dun u think?]
i woke up from this dream..realising who i was.
demanding, self-absorbed, obsessed, vulnerable.
i admit to such obstinance and it tickles me to the bones to realise this.
was i really that full of myself?haha.
i never knew.and perhaps, i have always known. [smirk]
one thing's for sure tho, i am not apathetic, indifferent, or stoic
towards wat people think of me.
in fact, it bothers me..everytime.
it matters to me to be well-liked, and to be doted on.
i dun understand how others can be so cold and calloused to have such apathy.
it takes so much will power and confidence to not give a heck abt being maligned.
heh.-teach me how to have a heart of stone.
naturally filled with benovelence and concern for the ppl close to me
- just dont cheat on me, lie to me and make a fool of me..
my heart will close its doors to giving a damn about you.
these are the things that will hurt me the MOST.
to be lied to through and through.
just tell me the truth and i promise you i'll accept u as u are.
just tell me what's really on ur mind and i'll listen to ur voice.
just tell me ur fears and i'll share with you mine
just don't lie to me if you dun wana lose me.
-cuz that will be wer u'll see the underside of me-Calloused.
i melt at every beautiful sight, every bewitching moves, angelic charm.
i admire those glitterati-es..with the weird hair-dos and designer wears from head to toe.
i am that girl who is not ashamed to be one.
that person who dun wana be seen as "cool" or "tough"..
i am just this girl.
i appreciate the gift of friendship, love and the existence of sufferings.
"without suffering there will be no compassion"
however, despite all this truth, i no longer long to be loved.
as the word love is just too full of complications with many things to be based upon.
I will love when He wants me to love..
for now, i have Him..who does so unconditionally :D
may you be blessed by Him.
_callous_ was here with you at
YSunday, January 08, 2006
im writing this in the comfort of a cold and wet weather..by the window..
letting the splitz and splatz of raindrops hit me..letting the cool breeze of the wind freeze me..
as the rain gets heavier and heavier..i get drenched.
but im laughing..cuz it feels so good.. ;)
the greatness of the Lord..the weather, the gifts of nature that will never be permanent..
if only it was permanent..if only we are permanent.
heh.
i dun wana be immortal tho..cuz as we are living this life..
we are already unaware of our purpose and our direction..
where do we go next?
what to do next?
what to become next?
what's next?
i doubt any of us would wana continue their life routine like that for eternity
-but then again, i never know.heh.
do you??-tell me.i wana noe.
TIME..we only have so little of it..yet too much of it will be of redundance
aspirations..ambitions..imaginations..hopes and dreams..
so many to achieve and excel in..
many people fret too much-including me.
and i honestly cant fathom why..haha
why can't we just STOP worrying and just get right to it?
people always ponder over the things that doesnt need to be pondered upon..
other people's lives..the righteousness of the religion and the reason for living.
why nose in to other's when your life's uncertain.
why question Islam when it is the religion tat gave you the sense of belonging.
why question the reason for your presence when your already living it for yearss..
why ask?? -i bring the shame upon myself..for questioning so much.heh.
i just can't help being inquisitive--alike most of you.. :D
friends, acquaintances, relatives, families..
they all asked me the same question..
"why now??" - is that a question or a statement?
tell me were is the wrong in wearing a head-dress..
tell me wat form of restrictions could it bring me..
what negligence could i have made..to doing wat i am meant to do??
does it make me un-cool?
does it make me unattractive?
does it make me look uptight?
well it doesnt matter cuz it puts me in a better place..
a better state of mind..
and it gives me the respect and the serenity that not any other ordinary women will receive.
the respect that i have for myself and my religion.
the serenity that i have gathered from the prayers and the reminders of Him always being there
[need i say more?]
we are special.let me tell you tat.
so stop asking me if it's hot..cuz its not.
stop asking me why cover so much..cuz i feel less sinful.
stop makin false judgements
cuz i wun give a fag wit a cuppa coffee to listen to u.
just stop.
u may look down on me as i'm imperfect
dun empathize me, for im not the worst off yet
dun think highly of me, for im not quite an intellect
dun criticize as you have yourself to first look at.
may peace be upon you.
_callous_ was here with you at
YMonday, January 02, 2006
" A new year..A new beginning "
-that's wat everyone would say
Perhaps people DO try to be different..that could be their resolution or something.
BUT what crap will it be and wat use is it for if u just gap and yap about it without actually doin it? i hate it when such statements are made by the people who made that so-called resolution a year ago or perhaps two years ago..shame on you.
the trip thought me many beautiful and ugly things..like the beauty of my religion and the uniqueness and gracefulness of Islam..On the other hand, the future of Islam-the youths, the young adults, that's scattered around drinking and makin a fool of themselves selling their bodies and providing personal services..in clubs and by the roads bringing down the name of the community..or even some of which are homosexuals..displaying public affection openly..sick aint it? -give me your opinion.
Will this "trend" ever stop? Or shall we just ignore it as always? Usually, humans will naturally do the latter. Honestly, so will I.Bleah.Shame on me.
The trip made me realise my feelings, my Faith, my belief and my actual responsibility as a sister, daughter and a lady of opinion. As a sister, i should try to always understand no matter how much it hurts to be there and swallow the sight and the sound. As a daughter, i should conform to the rules at home and respect them..and as a lady of opinion..i should speak my mind but at the same time be modest and soft-spoken. -strange ain't it?
My Faith in Him is ever growing and my belief in Him will not subside as i believe in the greatness of his strength and plans for me..
Its funny though that the feelin is not goin away..its strange how its growin the closer tat i get to you, and the more things that i found out abt u-good and bad facts...
I know that im just "this fren" of yours..and i honestly dun mind.
Perhaps u are not attracted to some1 like me or perhaps u already have someone else..
whoever that person is..
BUT i want you to know..that i fell for you..and i cant fall out of you.
so im just gona wait.
till ur ready..til u can accept me as something more..
till you wana talk to me abt it.
if you dun ever wana talk to abt it..please know that ur My Angel in disguise.
i just want u to noe..that i duno wat i'd become without you..
i just want u to noe..that no matter wat or who u really are..im not going anywhere..
i just want you to know.
i thank you.
_callous_ was here with you at